Sunshine and Rain

I bleed sunshine and rain.

It’s everything I want and it’s everything I don’t want.

I bounce back and forth between highs and lows and spend a bit of time in the middle.

The highs are my friend. I get to be an angel, a princess, a beauty, a precious flower. I dance, I sing, I create. The sun shines just for me. Time stands still for me. Love and beauty are all around just for me. Everyone is drawn to me. I’m fabulous and funny and wonderful! I can spend days alone and have the time of my life because I enjoy my own company so much.

The lows are not my friend. I’m a demon, a beast, a whore, filthy, nasty, trash. I hurt, I cry, the world hates me, I hate me. I am ugly. There is no love here. I want to soak my brain with alcohol and sleep until the sunshine comes back. I hate this part of my bleeding brain. Why can’t the sunshine stay all the time?

I found a quote by Dr. Victor Frankl that does help me to endure the pain “What is to give light, must endure burning”. I hope that this gives comfort to others that suffer from mental illness as well. I do truly believe that we endure our suffering for a higher purpose. It’s up to each of us to figure out what that might be.

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